Dear Readers,
Today was supposed to be simple. But as life often reminds me — it rarely goes according to plan.
I woke up anxious again, my chest tight and my thoughts scattered. The nightmares are still finding me, clinging to the edges of my sleep and leaving me raw in the morning. I keep telling myself I’m okay, that I’m managing — but some days, the weight feels heavier than I can admit. My emotions have been high these last few days, almost unsteady, and today they just… spilled over.
Bisa has been distant lately. I know he warned me that around his birthday he tends to pull away, that he gets caught up in his own thoughts and slips into a funk — but it doesn’t make it easier. With long-distance, all we have is communication. And when that fades, it feels like the silence swallows everything. I keep trying to remind myself that he deserves his space, that self-reflection is important — but at the same time, I can’t help but feel left behind.
Maybe I’m too attached. Maybe I just miss him more than I should. But when we barely talk, when my attempts to open up fall flat, I start to wonder if maybe my feelings are too much. Still, I can’t help but wish he’d meet me halfway.
I started my morning with work — meetings, emails, and prepping for what I thought would be a productive day. The plan was simple: check in at one of my pool locations, meet the owner for my exit interview at noon, and then head to urgent care to have my shoulder and neck looked at. The pain hasn’t let up, and I know I need to get it checked.
But, of course, the universe had other plans.
I arrived early to the coffee shop where we were supposed to meet, only to realize later that I’d misread the message — the meeting time had changed to 12:30. So I sat there for a while, people-watching, trying to enjoy the quiet. It was one of those rare peaceful pauses I didn’t realize I needed. But just as I started to relax, my phone buzzed — a frantic text from my district manager saying her deck supervisor had called out and she needed me to cover.
So much for the quiet.
I didn’t even get to sit down with the owner. I quickly grabbed the inventory I needed and rushed across town to fill in. On the drive, I joined a call with Bitey and Bisa, though at that point it was really just me and Bitey. Bisa had wandered off again, silent and half-present. Bitey had to leave soon after to spend time with her family, and once again, I found myself on the call alone.
By the time I got to the pool, I hung up. Bisa didn’t notice right away — and when he did, he sent a little bit of sass for disconnecting. But truthfully, I was already too frustrated to care. I spent the next four hours subbing, taking notes, and cleaning up. I didn’t even make it to urgent care before they closed at 4:30. The timing just didn’t work out, like most of the day.
When I got home, I tried to talk to Bisa again. Tried to explain how I’d been feeling. But the messages went unanswered, or came back short. I felt like I was talking to a wall. Every hour that passed without a response just made the ache grow heavier — the kind that sits behind your ribs and makes you feel small.
I made myself dinner, poured a big mug of hot cocoa, and sat in silence for a while. I joined the Discord call area just for some background noise, needing something to fill the quiet. I ended up falling asleep, only to wake up with Woe’s voice gently checking in on me. She’d heard me crying out in my sleep — another night terror. Another reminder that my body still remembers.
When I woke, Bisa was back on the call but still distant. I tried talking; it didn’t help. I left quietly, and only Woe noticed. She messaged me after, calling me out for leaving without saying goodbye — and somehow, that led to one of those deep, honest conversations that I didn’t know I needed.
Through tears, I told her what I hadn’t said aloud: that I feel lonely, small, and like I’m waiting for someone who’s already turned away. That I keep depending on people to hold me steady when I need to start holding myself.
So tonight, I made a decision. I’m stepping back from the group calls for a while. I’m not going to message Bisa until he reaches out first. Not out of anger, but because I need to remember who I am outside of someone else’s silence.
I love deeply — maybe too deeply sometimes. But I’m learning that love doesn’t mean losing yourself while waiting to be seen.
With love,
Monique
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